During my poor college days, I was lucky enough to fall for a guy who loved to wear flannel shirts and jeans. His idea of a courtship was finding a private stretch of beach strewn with driftwood where we could send stones skipping across the water. Every once in a while, he splurged and brought me a paper rose that smelled not like authentic flowers, but a little like damp newspaper.

The store-bought roses he sent me later would be tossed into the garbage. But I've kept the paper roses packed carefully in an old cigar box. Decades later, out of the blue, he called to tell me how he'd been rooting around in the attic and stumbled on a box of my love letters, still bundled with a ribbon. Years of summer heat had resealed the envelopes, and in reading the letters again he remembered that he had been loved.

Few people can afford go to Paris or arrange for a gondola ride in the canals of Venice, but simple tenderness can become just as unforgettable.

Although you may enjoy splurging on expensive lingerie or long-stemmed roses, treating your loved one with respect and affection may go even further towards kindling desire. Mark Twain once said, "Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Here are some ways to put more romance back in your life.

Setting the stage

Read a few books on romance, and you will find that a common thread is the ability to express your love on paper. In the brisk world of email, instant messages, PDAs, and cell phones, writing a letter seems old-fashioned. But you probably won't keep a printout of your emails in a shoebox to read when you're in your 60s. Something happens when people write love letters. They slow down. They watch their spelling. They don't use smiley or winky faces. They may even use words like "smitten" or "embrace."

Reading a letter in bed or when you're far away from computers is also exciting. And hand-written letters don't have to be in an envelope: They can be scattered around the house. A sweet note on top of the coffee maker in the morning can make getting up in the morning worthwhile. Some people get a half-dozen cards or postcards for anniversaries or Valentine's Day and leave them in places to be discovered during the day: in the refrigerator, underneath the remote control, on a pillow, or in the car. You can also dispatch them to a loved one if you're out of town on business.

More than 1,100 years ago, poet Omar Khayyam wrote, "A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou beside me singing in the wilderness. And wilderness is paradise enow …" Today, pairing food and love is still a tradition among lovers.

Some people claim that oysters and chocolate are aphrodisiacs. Others see love in a nice plate of pasta, a plate of cookies, or a rare French cheese. Spending time cooking and preparing a dish you know your partner loves shows that you care -- and that you're paying attention.

There is no one formula for surprising your loved one: The best prescription is homemade and somewhat unorthodox. Get a temporary tattoo with your lover's name on it. Carry her over the threshold. Kiss him in public. Paint her toenails. Read him poetry. And how about arranging to meet at the place where you first met or where you first kissed? Add the element of surprise by bringing a picnic basket and some music.

Since variety is the spice of life, try changing your routine in bed. Ask your partner if he or she would like to be seduced – and how. Since performance anxiety or worries about desirability can kill the passion you want to rekindle, you may also want to reassure your sweetheart that you're happy with your love life -- you just want to try something new.

Of course, sex isn't the only way couples connect. Those small moments when you hold hands, cuddle, or offer a supportive hug can also bring you closer. Massaging the feet or shoulders can relieve stress and put him or her in the right mood for love, says Emily Smith, a writer in North Carolina.

"It's the moments when we lie down at night and Peter says, 'Do you want a little backrub?' that keep me happy," she says.

When William Shakespeare wrote, "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind," he wasn't talking about the science of chemistry. But hundreds of years later, science would confirm the notion that love is indeed nurtured in the brain. Frequent touching, including sex, produces phenylethylamine, a chemical that brings on feelings of contentment and euphoria, according to Theresa Crenshaw, MD, a researcher, therapist, and author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust.

Touching, seeing, even smelling your partner can quicken the flow of this chemical and your physical response, Crenshaw says. Listening to a lover's voice -- laughing, saying sweet nothings, or serenading your partner with a love song -- can keep the chemistry flowing too. That's why love songs abound in just about every language. Deb Wilson, a Highlands Ranch, Colorado public relations executive, says her husband learned Spanish songs to play on his guitar just for her.

"I always found his guitar playing very sexy," she says. "It was so romantic for me to listen to him."

Unfortunately, science has confirmed that the chemicals that inspire love have a shelf life. After a while, the chemicals stop flowing, and often so does the passion.

When a relationship is under stress because of the pressure of dwindling finances or raising small kids, being romantic may be the last thing on your mind. This is exactly the time to step back and remember the things that brought you together in the first place, according to Mark Goulston, MD, the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship.

The couples that Goulston studied lost the romance in their relationship as their trust and respect for each other slipped away. That loss may be triggered by unemployment, an affair, or small arguments that turn ugly. "Nothing kills chemistry like the building of resentment and criticism," Goulston writes in his book. Before a couple can re-establish chemistry, he says, they have to rebuild trust, often by small acts of kindness.

Smith, the writer from North Carolina, recalls her husband took the chore of walking the dog off her hands in the morning -– even if it made him late for work. Such a thoughtful gesture, she says, is "more important than the gifts and the fancy dinners."

Romance is a dish best served spontaneously. Don't wait for the other person to be affectionate, according to Goulston. Even when it's not a birthday, an anniversary, or Valentine's Day, remember the tiny acts that inspire love: Fill up his car with gas. Bake her some cookies. Listen.

"Nothing inspires loving behavior," says Goulston, "like knowing you're loved."

-- Psyche Pascual is the articles editor at Consumer Health Interactive.

References

First published February 11, 2004
Last updated March 3, 2008
Copyright © 2004 Consumer Health Interactive

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