My ex-husband and I used to joke that we could never divorce each other. We had to stay together, we said, because we shared so many made-up words and private jokes that nobody else would be able to understand us. Who else would know the ritualistic chant that must be sung when driving past a field of cows? But I guess the joke was on us. Shortly before what would have been our 25th anniversary we became yet another divorce statistic.

Some sources suggest that divorce after 20 or even 30 years is on the rise. The National Center for Health Statistics no longer collects detailed marriage and divorce information, but there appears to be a definite trend. In a June 2003 piece in The Wall Street Journal, reporter Jeffrey Zaslow cites a 34 percent increase in the number of older divorced people between 1990 and 2000. In his book Age Power, psychologist Ken Dychtwald also notes the rising number of what he calls "gray divorces."

It's easy to assume that people who have been together for a couple of decades have overcome their difficulties and are well on their way toward growing old together. But long-term relationships aren't immune to the problems that plague any other union. In fact, marriages may be particularly vulnerable as people reach middle age and beyond.

Couples who marry young may find that as they mature and develop as individuals over the years, they grow further apart, says Dorothea Lack, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist who practices in San Francisco.

In addition, long-term relationships may end when there is "inequality in the relationship and the submissive partner grows up and takes a look around," says Lack. "Or one partner may have a substance abuse problem that the other partner put up with over the years for the sake of the children."

Sometimes a major trauma, such as the loss of a child or an incapacitating illness, strains the partnership beyond repair, according to Christine A. Coates and E. Robert LaCrosse, PhD, authors of the book Learning From Divorce. If the pair never communicated that well in the first place, a true crisis requiring support from one another might push their marriage over the edge. And then, people do change over time. If one partner becomes abusive or chronically depressed in midlife with no sign of letup, the other may decide it's time to go. Or one partner may have an affair -- something even the most solid relationship may not survive.

In my case, the reasons for the breakup seemed less concrete. My ex and I came to realize that something vital was missing between us, and we couldn't seem to get it back. We still cared for each other, but the tone of our relationship had changed. We spent months trying to get our relationship back on track, and then one day we confessed to each other that we had come to feel more like friends than lovers. Coates and LaCrosse describe this sense of growing apart in their book. "It's as though you are living with a roommate," they write. "There is not so much hostility as there is a sense of emptiness and a lack of connectedness."

Another reason people divorce, according to Coates and LaCrosse, is that one partner finally comes to terms with being gay. That's what ended Janet Ellison's* 20-year relationship with her male partner.

Ellison, now in her late 40s, had long felt attracted to women and had even dated a few women before she fell in love with a man. Although she worked hard at the relationship, some part of her realized that the relationship with her male partner couldn't go on forever. Ellison says that although she loved her partner -- indeed, their relationship lasted two decades -- she wasn't being true to herself. "I just couldn't imagine myself at 75, living in a straight relationship," she says.

For years, Ellison agonized over the pain this news would cause her partner. But in the end she also knew that she had to tell him, even though there was no woman on the horizon, and in the four months since her breakup, she hasn't found a female partner.

"I liken it to standing barefoot in front of a pit of broken glass," she says, "and seeing all kinds of happiness on the other side of the pit, and knowing that the only way to get there is to walk over the glass."

Though the breakup was extraordinarily painful, she and her ex continue to talk on the phone and Ellison hopes they can eventually find a way to remain friends. Would she walk through that broken glass again? Absolutely. "As soon as I was on the road," she says, "I felt like I had opened a door into a new life. It was amazingly liberating."

When people have anticipated a breakup for a long time, as Ellison had, they may not need much time for recovery. If, for example, they remained together for the sake of the children, they may have already grieved the loss of the relationship by the time they actually break up, Lack says.

However, she cautions, most people need time -- as much as a year or more -- to fully recover from a divorce or breakup. And she says it's important not to try to run away from the pain. "You have to work through the accompanying feelings, whatever they are -- abandonment, rage, betrayal, or grief," Lack says.

And don't try to do it alone. Lack recommends finding a therapist, priest or rabbi, or even a friend who can help you through the recovery period. Though it can be a heart-wrenching time, it will slowly get better. "Once they get past the grief," says Lack, "most of the long-married people I see feel a huge relief, and are able to really enjoy their social lives for the first time in a long time."

In my own case, it took counseling before I felt able to leave the past behind and move on. In fact, the enormity of the change didn't hit me right away. It took a while for me to recognize and work through the grief: A quarter of a century with one person amounts to a lot of shared history. But eventually I got used to the idea that I could build a new history of my own. Now, almost 10 years after my divorce, I feel grateful for the years I spent with my ex and for all that I've learned about myself and my place in the world since we broke up.

And a funny thing happened -- after I had spent a few years settling happily into my new life as a single woman, I met a wonderful man. After a few years together, we've decided to get married. Not too long ago, as we were driving to a favorite getaway spot for the weekend, we passed a field of cows. The secret chant burbled up from my memory, and I couldn't keep from singing it -- and teaching it to my fiance. He sings it a little differently perhaps, but the cows don't seem to notice.

-- Nancy Montgomery is an associate editor at Consumer Health Interactive.

References

First published December 17, 2003
Last updated October 31, 2006
Copyright © 2003 Consumer Health Interactive