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Raising Confident Boys: 100 Tips for Parents and Teachers
By Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
Fisher Books
Paperback 224 pp $12.50

Ordinarily a book like this might be at the bottom of my pile of "must-reads." But when I was moving from San Francisco to Australia with a small boy who had to adjust to change, change, change -- and quickly -- Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer's fast read helped me keep my cool as I navigated some tricky territory with my spirited 3-year-old.

Don't get me wrong. He was a dream child on the 14-hour flight to Sydney. Unfortunately, though, he fell into a deep sleep just as we were landing. My husband carried Sleeping Beauty through customs, baggage claim, and quarantine. No problem. But when he woke up as family greeted us, he morphed into the Beast and roared at his Australian grandpa: "I don't like Sydney. I want to take the plane back to San Francisco. Now!"

That's when one of Hartley-Brewer's tips came to my aid: Support your child when he's stressed. Despite feeling exhausted and overwhelmed myself, I followed her advice. Although what I really wanted to do was exchange pleasantries with my family, I focused on calming and cuddling one very maxed-out little man. It did the trick.

Enlightened types may yawn, ho hum, don't we know this stuff already? That was certainly my take when I glanced at the guide as I shoved it into my suitcase. But I was wrong. Turns out this self-help text has enough to ponder and put into practice to make it worthwhile turning the pages of. And to be honest, what flustered parent hasn't gone running to the bookshelf in a desperate search for something to consult when her formerly gorgeous little guy turns into a wild thing worthy of Maurice Sendak -- or worse?

The strength of this slim volume lies in its advice on what to do when trouble is brewing. Moms, dads, and teachers can dip into the relevant pages as a kind of refresher course on how to deal with, say, a boy who is behaving badly. Or what to do when an otherwise confident child inexplicably loses his self-esteem. Or simply how to raise a sensitive guy instead of a beastie boy.

The format of the book couldn't be easier to digest. The nine chapters begin with a brief overview of the points to come, in short, no-nonsense prose. These intros are followed by tips and two bulleted lists, one geared for parents, the other for teachers, with up to five suggestions of easy-to-follow-through actions.

One such tip (No. 3) has become a mantra for me: Approve of who he is, even if you hate what he does. My chap is the kind of child some would call naughty (folks in my family euphemistically refer to him as "a handful"). But deep down I know he's just a curious kid with endless energy who pushes boundaries to the limit. Even so, after he flooded the basement with his new water cannon my initial reaction was to scream, "Stop! Why did you do that? You are a very bad boy!"

But fortunately I didn't do that, mostly because I was stunned speechless. It took time for words to actually come out of my mouth, I was so shocked by the havoc he'd wrought. I had just enough time to remember Hartley-Brewer's recommendation to separate the person from his actions, to think about his good points before I commented on his behavior, and to describe what exactly I disapproved of. It helped. I could see how fun it must have been, how creatively he'd used the cannon (every surface in the room was covered). And I could see, too, what a dolt I'd been to leave a 3-year-old unsupervised with a garden hose. So I said: "Spraying your cannon in here has made a big mess. We need to clean it up. Then we'll talk about the consequences for this behavior." Bring on the mop, please.

Fitting a consequence to the crime is important, the author says. Deal with one behavior at a time, and punish the act, not the person. After the water cannon saga, my first reaction was to take away my son's beloved train set. Based on Hartley-Brewer's suggestions, though, it made most sense to pack away my son's pirate pool (of which the cannon is an integral part) for a couple of days.

Hartley-Brewer stresses that punishment only works well if it's used as a teaching device. So I asked the water-spraying son what he thought went wrong and what he might do differently next time -- both Hartley-Brewer-style questions designed to keep self-esteem intact and help a child learn from the incident. He got it. To date our backyard is lovely and lush from constant cannon spraying; the basement, though, remains blissfully dry.

Raising Confident Boys isn't just about reining in unruly behavior. The author, who also penned Raising Confident Girls, offers smart ideas to boost self-esteem, such as telling a boy his story. My kid loves to drag out the happy snaps and look at his birth photos and hear about how he came into the world. (I tell him he was in a hurry -- which makes him laugh -- and that he was covered in a beautiful creamy fluid called vernix, which he refers to as "furry neck," and that his father and I loved him immediately.) Such reinforcement, notes Hartley-Brewer, helps a child figure out his identity and builds up his confidence, all the while giving him a sense of belonging.

Likewise, she counsels letting a boy choose what to do in play (even if it's pretending to be a train engineer for the zillionth time), as it helps him develop social skills and encourages self-esteem. Boys, she notes, need just as much access to a dress-up box as girls do in order to practice spontaneous, creative, and imaginative play. Certainly, most of the advice here isn't and doesn't need to be age-specific. Being fun, fair, and flexible seems on point at any age. And while much of it is relevant for those with toddlers and preschoolers, Hartley-Brewer includes a wealth of tips for weary adults facing issues with adolescent and school-aged children.

Boys tend to get a bad rap early on. Many little (and not-so little) fellows tend toward rambunctiousness, defiance, heck, even destructiveness. Hartley-Brewer, who conducts parenting workshops on guiding and motivating kids and has a son of her own, has a good handle on what makes boys tick. So she frames many of these stereotypically male traits as positive attributes worthy of celebration -- even if they need reining in on occasion. She also notes that contrary to conventional wisdom, it's not just girls who have a hard time growing up. Our current social dynamics are such, she maintains, that boys' self-esteem and motivation appear to be at "rock bottom."

What to do then? Nothing less than teach boys how to thrive by offering them a male identity without what some call the Teflon armor that cuts males off from themselves and others. In a nutshell, parents and educators need to nurture a boy's tender side along with his tough side. And that can be done, she argues, in myriad seemingly minor ways every day. Fostering a caring masculinity can mean encouraging a boy to cuddle toys, babies, and siblings or acknowledging men who take on caring jobs or roles, all the while discouraging bullying behavior. Sounds good to me.

A couple of quibbles: Sometimes the "100 Tips" notion seems to be stretched a bit thin. A careful edit might have caught advice that repeats itself, freeing up space for describing child-rearing techniques in greater detail. In addition, a few anecdotes presented along the way don't ring true. Instead, it seems like they're made up of composite characters inserted in a hurry to make a point.

That said, I'll be the first to grab my dog-eared copy and turn for help to tip No. 92, "What you expect is what you get," the next time my preschooler pushes my buttons to the bursting point. Since expecting bad behavior from a child is a virtual recipe for a tantrum, why not expect good behavior instead?

-- Sarah Henry is a freelance writer who has written about health topics for the Washington Post, Health, WebMD, and Parentcenter.com. She is a former staff writer for Hippocrates, a magazine for physicians.

First published February 26, 2002
Last updated July 23, 2007
Copyright © 2002 Consumer Health Interactive

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